The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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