Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
