I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
did i walk over a car last night?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
