My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
