Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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