Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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