She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
