He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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