How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
