i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
