You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
