nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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