my mouth tastes like poor choices
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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