Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
