she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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