Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
