Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
