Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
