im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
