Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
