the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I puked a lego.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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