We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
