I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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