I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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