As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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