Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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