Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
