the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
