I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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