I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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