my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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