i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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