We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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