hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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