The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
