I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
