I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
