So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
