: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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