bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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