saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
