Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
