So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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