I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
