i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
