I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
