Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just pee around me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
