I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
