The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
