I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
