I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
